Anticipating Laurie’s Birthday

As family birthdays, Mother’s Day and now Laurie’s birthday pass, I have been thinking a fair bit about the passage of time and how grief and time play together. My grief remains but in a different form. There is still an outsized hole in my life and I really wish she were around to enjoy (and take credit for) how great her boys are doing. But the grief is softer and less pointed.

There is an element of dealing with Laurie’s death that I know I share with a number of her close friends. That is guilt. Not guilt for what we did or didn’t do when she was alive. But guilt about how we have worked through her absence. There are projects and activities of almost every scale that has been left undone. Things I meant to write, organize, give away, memorialize have been left undone.

I resolve to do three things. 1) Get back to the tasks left undone. It is never too late to give one of Laurie’s scarves away, or to organize proper photo albums. 2) Relieve myself of the self-imposed guilt. For whatever reason these things didn’t get done. I no longer want to feel bad about it. 3) Declare and amnesty on Laurie induced guilt. If you are carrying the weight of something you meant to do but haven’t done please remove that weight. If you feel guilty because you think I have been expecting something of you, you should stop feeling guilty immediately.

I know for many of us not feeling guilty is easier said then done. If I could wave a magic wand I would.

I am looking forward to re-connecting with friends and remembering Laurie.