January 8th, again

January 8th still looms large in our lives. Today I am remembering Laurie Kingston and missing her very much.

Oh, the things she would have to say. Lovely and thoughtful things about friends and family. Pride in how wonderful her boys (now men) are. Insightful things about what’s going on in the world. Books, knitting , food, drinks, people… I am sure I’m not the only one who can just imagine what she would make of it all. Loss is hard, but I am very grateful for the times we had and everything Laurie brought to my life.

Today I’ll have a little whiskey and look at some pictures and tell my boys I love them.

Anticipating Laurie’s Birthday

As family birthdays, Mother’s Day and now Laurie’s birthday pass, I have been thinking a fair bit about the passage of time and how grief and time play together. My grief remains but in a different form. There is still an outsized hole in my life and I really wish she were around to enjoy (and take credit for) how great her boys are doing. But the grief is softer and less pointed.

There is an element of dealing with Laurie’s death that I know I share with a number of her close friends. That is guilt. Not guilt for what we did or didn’t do when she was alive. But guilt about how we have worked through her absence. There are projects and activities of almost every scale that has been left undone. Things I meant to write, organize, give away, memorialize have been left undone.

I resolve to do three things. 1) Get back to the tasks left undone. It is never too late to give one of Laurie’s scarves away, or to organize proper photo albums. 2) Relieve myself of the self-imposed guilt. For whatever reason these things didn’t get done. I no longer want to feel bad about it. 3) Declare and amnesty on Laurie induced guilt. If you are carrying the weight of something you meant to do but haven’t done please remove that weight. If you feel guilty because you think I have been expecting something of you, you should stop feeling guilty immediately.

I know for many of us not feeling guilty is easier said then done. If I could wave a magic wand I would.

I am looking forward to re-connecting with friends and remembering Laurie.

Happy Birthday, Daniel


Daniel, age 5, fingerguns
Daniel, 5th Birthday, Finger guns

This site has become a birthdays and other anniversaries blog it appears. Oh, well.

Here is Daniel 14 years ago celebrating his fifth birthday at Cosmic Adventure. The Cosmic Adventure headache has faded but Daniel remains the same wonderful kid he has always been. Except this year he stopped at the Beer Store and LCBO on his way home from work on his birthday.

August 4th

I’m blogging this.

It is Laurie’s birthday. Usually I try and mark this kind of occasion by getting together with friends and family. Laurie was close to some wonderful people and it has always been an exceptional treat that I get to spend time with them. In our ‘normal’ busy lives I hardly get to see those people as much as I would like. These days, when sitting around on a patio talking about Laurie seems irresponsible, we will have to remember in other ways.

I will try and brave the rain today and spend some time at Brown’s Inlet where her memorial tree is. And I will do my best to gather people together as soon as it is safe.

Take care of yourself and each other.